Waiting
by nic73
Summary: I was writing this for the reverse big bang on live journal when I discovered that the art work I was writing it for didn't exist. The people who know me well will be surprised to find jisbon, and that is my explanation why. So an accidental new piece of work. It will come in three parts When faced with possibilitiy of Jane's death, buried feeling come to the surface. Final chapter
1. Chapter 1

It all happens so fast. Suddenly Cardwell is grabbing Jane and spinning him around, he pulls him close to him with an arm around his chest. A familiar click confirms her worst fears and stills the hand that has automatically reached to her side, a gun's pressed against Jane's temple.

"Ow, be careful."

Her insufferable consultant exclaims. He looks to her.

"Lisbon do something."

Cardwell takes charge.

" Take out your gun slowly and remove the bullets, letting them fall to the floor and throw your gun in to the bushes."

Lisbon sees no way out but can she take the chance that this desperate man will release Jane once he's clear. Cardwell pushes the gun harder in to the side of Jane's head and puts pressure on the trigger. Jane winces and tries to move away.

"Lisbon do as he says. I'll be fine, he doesn't want to hurt me, he just wants to get away."

He gives her a reassuring smile. She takes out her gun. Cardwell increases the pressure even more.

"That's very good. Don't do anything stupid, because, I can assure you your friend here will be dead before I am."

Lisbon empties her gun and throws it away.

"Excellent. Now handcuff yourself behind your back and lay on the ground."

She lowers herself carefully. She can only see their feet now. She hears Cardwell give instructions to Jane.

"Slowly take out your car keys...Now we're going to move to your car. Don't do anything stupid as there's no one to save you and I may shoot your colleague as well."

Lisbon watches as their feet walk away and they get into Jane's car. For once it starts up straight away. As the car pulls out Lisbon manoeuvres herself back on to her feet and she watches it turn the corner out of sight. She runs to the house next door and throws her body at it until help comes.

This became different from the other times Jane's been kidnapped, where they found him after a couple of days. Cardwell didn't release Jane once he was free and clear. He kept him for a week, carrying him blindfolded in the trunk, changing cars and direction constantly, finally dumping him, drugged, out in the wilderness, leaving him to find his own way out. Luckily although Jane may not be the 'outdoor' type, he's read enough books that he has the knowledge in his memory palace to help him navigate his way out. Two weeks after his abduction Jane made it to civilization, found badly sunburnt, exhausted, starving and dehydrated, lying in a heap at the side of the highway, but alive, and Lisbon was a wreck.

Sacramento was sealed within thirty minutes of Lisbon being released from her handcuffs and an APB being sent out over the airwaves with a description of the Citroen and instructions to block the roads. but it was too late Cardwell and Jane had gone.

The team forgoed sleep, digging for information of possible hideouts, and speaking to family,friends and associates. Every possible lead followed up and chased down but Cardwell, along with his captive had disappeared. As the days turned into a week, no one said it out loud, but their thoughts turned to finding a body. There was no reason for Jane to be kept alive, no ransom being demanded, no history between the two discovered, Jane's continued absence meant he was probably dead, and buried somewhere he may never be found.

Lisbon tried to remain positive as they entered the second week and for the first few days, she felt she was successful, but the continued dead ends, the lack of clues and information, the sight of the green mug never leaving it's place on the drainer, the emptiness of the beloved leather couch and the irritating silence, all succeeded in dragging her to her knees, weighed down by her own crushing guilt. It became almost impossible for her to function and she hid herself in her office, reliving the scene, conjuring up all the things she should have done differently. Contemplating her future, her badge and gun feeling uncomfortable on her body. Then the call came.

Lisbon is sat by his bedside, holding on to his hand to keep her in reality, the feel of his skin against hers letting her know it's not a dream. Jane's not going to be happy when he wakes up and takes a look at himself. His face is blotchy and the burnt patches look angry and painful. His hair is brittle and much lighter, his hands rough and cut up. To Lisbon he's never looked more beautiful. He,s here, he's alive, that's all that counts, that's all that matters.

The doctor says he's a lucky man, another few hours and they wouldn't have been able to save him. He needs rest, fluids, nutrients. and treatment for his burns. He's bruised and battered but nothing broken.

A croaky voice interrupts her thoughts.

"A penny for them."

She sees Jane smiling at her.

"That would be highway robbery."

"Well that's nice, you were obviously thinking about me. I'm missing, presumed dead, for days...

Realization halts him.

" I have no idea what day it is. How long have I been missing?"

"Two weeks"

Jane lets out a breath.

"Wow I had no idea it was that long."

Jane notices the glistening in Lisbon's eyes, evidence of the torment she's endured during those two weeks.

The time spent rolling around in trunks of cars and walking his way out of the wilderness had given him plenty of time to think about things. His life, his mistakes, the people he's cared about, his death. The biggest and most disturbing revelation had been Teresa Lisbon. He remembers the moment he saw everything in clarity. He'd been so surprised he'd lost his footing and tumbled down a steep bank landing in some prickly bushes and hitting his head on a rock. He'd been stunned, but wasn't sure if it was caused by the rock or the realization that he was in love with Teresa Lisbon.

He couldn't say when it happened, he couldn't find any holes in his defences. He attempted to deny it and then to ignore it, but as the hours went on and delirium began to threaten at the corners of his mind, Lisbon became his anchor to reality. The force that fueled his every torturous step, the strength that held him upright when every fibre of his being wanted him to curl up and await his fate. An invisible cord connected them together and Lisbon was pulling him in, ever closer to her, to safety, to home.

As he looked at her now he knew she'd had the same revelation. There was a shyness, a hesitancy in the way she looked at him, as if she had something to hide.

Realization hit Lisbon in the car on the way to the hospital. She couldn't remember the details of the phone call. Only that Jane was found and that he's alive. She was in her car, the lights flashing and the siren wailing, softly praying. Her hand straying to her cross. Prayer of thanks, of vows to keep promises made and declarations of love. She couldn't deny it any longer, the feelings of relief, of joy, of being whole again, made it impossible. She realized that she had fought so hard against it, burying it down deep, refusing to acknowledged the truth, to accept it or want it. He's not ready to move on, she's not ready to entrust her heart. What a mess!

What a mess! It breaks his heart, but he can't risk it, risk her. Demons have to be dealt with, real and imagined. The danger is tangible, it has a name, a purpose and when it comes, she can't be too close.

"Lisbon."

As she looks in to his eyes, she sees it, just for a moment it was there. The mask covers but her heart is warm.

"Yes Jane.?"

"Red John."

She squeezes his hand, not another word is said.

**Author's nnotes: Feel free to review. I would love to hear your thoughts**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: thank you for all those who took the time to review, every one is appreciated. It was great to read your thoughts. I hope you enjoy this chapter. One more to go.**

It's been eighteen months since Jane said those two words, Red John. They had declared his feeling and then shut them away, both at the same time. Not one word 's been said since. No change in his behaviour or demeanor. He treats her just the same. Still insufferable, still kind, still cavalier, still confides, still lies , still her friend. The only place she has is her dreams.

In her dreams there are no obstacles, they're free to express their feelings for one another. The words 'I love you' fall from his lips. His eyes bore in to hers, expressing his deepest feelings. His smile penetrates through her defenses and her heart opens and she allows him to see every thought and feeling she's held inside for so long. She drowns herself in his love. They spend their time learning, touching and loving. She smells his scent and feels his lips against hers. Last night had felt so real.

It was real! She woke up to find a note on her pillow. He had picked her lock and entered her bedroom, planted a gentle kiss on her lips and left a note. What kind of cop is she? That Jane was able to do all that and she didn't wake up, didn't even stir. She'd slept soundly lost in her dreams, when she could have had the real thing. More importantly she could and would have stopped him. But now, he'd been gone for hours and she had no idea where. She's read the note over and over again. Screwing it up, sometimes before she gets to the end, sometimes driven by anger, sometimes by despair.

_'Teresa, these past eighteen months have been torture. Having to hide my feelings totally. Not being able to touch you, or tell you my heart. I alternate between wanting to run far away from you and casting all caution aside, taking you in my arms and expressing all that I feel. I can't go on any more, I can't risk you any longer. No matter how careful we are, he may find out. It's there in me to be seen, I may one day give off a little something that betrays your meaning to me. I am certain that should anything happen to you, should you be hurt because of me, I will die. So I'm leaving, don't try to find me. I've reached out to Red John, it has to be over once and for all. I know you will be angry with me but this is the way it must be. Please forgive me and when I return I will be yours, every part of me. Patrick'_

She prefers to hold on to anger, it will get her through this better. How could he go off and leave her. not knowing what's happening. Risking his life without talking it over with her.. In the short time that has passed since she found the note she's been immobile she's still in the bed, her alarm forgotten about, the horrors that are racing through her mind preventing her from functioning. She's seen the results of the awful things that man can do to man but, she's certain, that neither her knowledge or her imagination can conjure up the plans Red John has in store for Jane.

Tears spring to her eyes and she squeezes them tight, knowing that if she allows one to fall, thousands more will follow. She shakes her head trying to remove the images that are invading her mind of her beautiful Jane, mutilated and bloodied, left for her to find. She sits up abruptly and swings her legs over the side of her bed. She must move, she must do something, pretend she never found the note, pretend that Jane isn't walking into the arms of his nemesis, pretend that she doesn't care that he's not come in today, pretend, like she has done every other day since he walked into her life, that she doesn't love him.

The shower is hot and hard, she feels every drop of water that assaults her body, she understands the appeal of mortification, pain can chase all other thoughts from your mind. When her body can take no more she turns off the water, concentrates on the way the towel scratches against her sore skin. biting her lip, refusing to cry out, she dresses quickly but as she turns to take her gun from the bed stand drawer, the note catches her eye. She stops abruptly, staring at it, wishing it would suddenly combust but, it lies there and she reaches out her hand and touches it. Catches it between her fingers and brings it towards her. She can't help herself she reads it again, and again and again as her knees buckle and she sinks to the floor, the tears come. Tears that she may never learn how it feels to kiss him , long and lingering, to feel his touch trace along her body, to know him intimately in every way. Tears for a future she may never learn of, taste or share.

This is where she's found three hours later when Cho, Van Pelt and Rigsby crash through the door, with their own nightmares running unspoken through their heads after being unable to reach their boss and Jane. Cho helps her up off the floor, she hands Van Pelt the note. They take her into the living room and that's where she sits waiting and they sit watching until the phone rings...


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you everyone for your reviews, follows and favourites. They're very much appreciated and loved.** **I hope you enjoy this final chapter.**

It's so unfair. You survived Red John and now this tears us apart. I'm so sorry, it was my operation, not yours for once. I think you even tried to warn me of the danger I'd missed, but I was angry with you because of that stupid argument we had in the morning. I can't even remember the cause. It was all going so well, but then hell broke loose as shots were fired. I was struck with horror and disbelief as a bullet tore through clothes and flesh, releasing blood. Too much blood, too fast to sustain life. We said goodbye, tears mingling with our kisses.

I look back on the memories of our short time free of Red John. You came back, he was dead and you were free. We thought we were making up for lost time as we rushed headlong into expressing what we had buried for so long, but maybe deep down we suspected that it was too good to last. It was frantic, hard and deeply satisfying. Then we took our time, exploring, experiencing, fulfilling. You were down on one knee and my life was complete.

The wedding was simple, attended by my brother's and our friends. You were devastating, I'm certain no-one was looking at me, except you. Life as husband and wife was everything I imagined it would be and more. Free of your guilt I discovered a loving, tender, attentive Jane. Someone determined not to make the same mistakes, you felt, you made with Angela. With you I smiled all the time, you have a great propensity for having fun. You taught me so much about the joy in experiencing every day things. That doesn't mean you weren't still manipulative and irritating, somethings are just in grain and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. They're part of what I love about you. I admit, it gave me great pleasure when I got one over on you.

I can't stop a smile crossing my lips even now. I had Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt as co-conspirators, keeping you away from me. I told them that I was organising a surprise for our two month anniversary and I didn't want you guessing. That had been a lie because I knew you would figure it out and confront them. It's easier lying to them. When you came home to candles on the table and dinner in the oven, you didn't drill me on it. I handed you a little gift after the meal. The shock on your face, when you opened a pair of booties, is a memory I will always cherish. After a moment your brain kicked in and pure delight filled your whole being. You engulfed me in a hug and broke down in my arms.

The next few months were about doctors appointments, baby names, paint colours and Charlotte. You shared tender memories, your love for her oozing out of your pores. I imagined watching you doing the same things with our child. excited about sharing parenthood with you. Our daughter's birth and the weeks getting to know her are exquisite memories to cherish forever. Although you're experienced with babies and I have barely held one, you didn't make me feel inadequate. You encouraged me and allowed me time and space to learn it for myself and grow in confidence.

Our time was short but we filled every moment with love and memories. I don't regret a single hour or minute. we had so many plans to fulfill together and now you will have to do them alone. I'm so grateful that you have our little girl to give you a reason to keep living your life I know she is safe in your hands. Teach her all you have taught me. I wish i could wipe away your tears, but, know that you are not alone because in the really really big stuff, you're wrong. There is a next life and those who love you, are supporting you and watching over you. So darling, know that I love you and am here waiting for you, along with Angela and Charlotte, until we are together and can hold each other once more.


End file.
